i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
