last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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