Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Fuck me I smell like cheese
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
