seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
