Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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