The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
