Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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