Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
