we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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