No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
