last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
