WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
