Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
