I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
