the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
