i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
