my phone needs a breathalizer
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
