I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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