i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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