my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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