see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
