she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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