he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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