oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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