Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
