Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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