Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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