my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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