i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
