Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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