i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The Olympian is in my bed
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
