got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
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I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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