You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
