Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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