booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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