I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
