I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
