I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
