census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
