Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
