Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
