i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Drunk is not a location!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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