the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
