so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hippo gnu deer
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
