u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
