cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
