im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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