currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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