Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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