How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
are you so shy because you have an std?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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