two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
