I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
