FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
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all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
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He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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