love makes seman taste better
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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