Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
