I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We are two peas in an std pod
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
