I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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