Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
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